Does Past Trauma or Sexual Abuse Cause the Desire to Be “Kinky”?
I have a long history of working with both proud participants in BDSM culture and victims of past trauma/sexual abuse and have often been asked if past abuse- especially in early childhood- “causes” one to become “kinky” or even “perverted” as an adult? It has been my observation over the years that the BDSM community seems to be populated with more survivors of sexual trauma or abuse than their non-kinky counterparts. Is this because past sexual-abuse causes one to become “kinky” or is it because participation in BDSM often fosters a deeper level of self-awareness, an acceptance or willingness to explore ones deeper emotions and motivations allowing them, as a population, to acknowledge and work through past abuse/trauma more readily?
Past sexual-abuse does not “cause” a person to be attracted to BDSM, fetishistic desires or other things we commonly call “kinky”.
I suspect that kink is genetic (as research is beginning to confirm) , that we are born with the propensity just as much we are born with our eye color or body type. A person learns to live with it, enjoy it or repress it as they like -but it cannot be changed- it will not go away. One may find artificial means to alter or disguise the color of their eyes or hair, they can starve or stuff themselves to alter their natural body type just as one can abhor and deny an inexplicable interest in kink- but each of these alterations require a tremendous amount of ‘up-keep’- denial being the most emotionally costly. Denial is a chore that never pays out the way one hopes. It is exhausting, endless work. There is no finish line for denial. However, when one chooses to explore their natural inclination towards kink, they are forced to face the traumas of their past because participation in BDSM asks for greater trust and requires more open and honest communication if for no other reason than to ensure the safety of its participants. For those who do not understand or “accept” BDSM, one’s interest will appear to be an abomination, a symptom of their dysfunction- it may be explained away as a result of “perverted” abuse in your past (as if one is spoiled, ruined or irreparably damaged by the acts of their abuser).. BDSM encourages its participants to discard those victim-shaming beliefs and can allow one to accept and move through the past abuse- freeing themselves to explore their sexuality without denial, grief or shame. Sadly, though many are now willing to accept that homosexuality is genetic, the world has yet to apply that acceptance to those who are drawn to play in the realm of BDSM.
Whatever the cause of one’s interest in kink, do not accept the suggestion or pronouncement that sexual-abuse has caused the ‘perversion’. It has not. The only connection between sexual-abuse and BDSM is found in those who pervert the honored tenants of the lifestyle in order to excuse their own desire to abuse and those who shame the abused with their ignorant and insensitive attempts to explain away that which they do not understand and often fear.